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Demetri Martin Quotes

April 9, 2010

Fractals loving Demetri Martin is one of my favorite stand up comedian. His jokes, one liners, big drawing pad, music, sketches all are very intelligent, hillarious and very unique. I attended one of his performances in Univ of Florida last year and it was just amazing. To brighten your day, here are few of his quotes and videos from his comedy central show ” Important Things with Demetri Martin”.

  • “I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’”
  • “I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’”
  • “‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of – it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’”
  • “I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.’
  • “About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.’
  • “I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”
  • “I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’”
  • “I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.’”
  • “I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’”
  • “A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’
  • “I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”
  • Lines – Adding Lines
    www.comedycentral.com
    2 (Part 2) – The Adventures of Duperman
    www.comedycentral.com
  • “My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’”
  • It was my friend’s birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word “Happy”… sarcastic birthday, douchebag.
  • I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”
  • “Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries… They Die. ‘Why aren’t you listening to your walkman?’ ‘I can’t. My Batteries died in my lap this morning… They were so young. The twins are gone.’
    If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… It’s a shit life.”
  • “I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”
  • “I bought a clock and then the big hand broke off it. I didn’t want to through it away, so I just added -ish to every number.”

Picture and Video Credit: Comedycentral.com

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1 Comment Leave a Comment

  • 1. Science Is Beautiful &raq&hellip  |  June 6, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    […] analytics has been very generous to me in directing people especially those who are looking for Demetri Martin or Tim Tebow or Paul the Octopus.I  have written just one post on each of them but it seems like […]

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